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Marriage & Relationship
Advice
Relationship Problem-Solving
Skills
Q. My
wife and I have been married
for 10 years and have two
children, ages 8 and 5. Our
relationship seems OK until
we come across any kind of
problem. It doesn't matter
if it's the kids or money or
how to fix the toilet, we
end up in a fight. Do you
have any problem-solving
advice for couples?
A. The bad news is the
couple that can't solve
problems together can't
really have a marriage, at
least the kind of marriage
you'd like to have. This is
because couples will always
have problems to solve.
You mention two of the six
most common problems that
married couples experience:
kids, money, sex, religion,
in-laws/extended family and
communication.
The bad news
So, no
problem-solving equals no
marriage.
When
couples face problems, they
can either turn to or turn
against each other. Problems
can be frustrating; we can
get irritable and panicky
and start looking for
someone to blame; we blame
our spouse, which leads to
fighting each other instead
of the problem. This leads
to another set of even worse
problems.
The
good news
The good news is there is
much you can do to learn to
solve problems together. The
first part has to do with
attitudes that lead to
actions; the second part
focuses on solutions you can
use right away.
The advantage to turning to
each other is there are now
two brains working to solve
a problem. Just about every
couple I have ever known is
made up of two people with
two sets of problem-solving
skills. Many times, they
complement each other. The
trick is to draw on the
other's skills.
5
problem-solving steps
Here are some
problem-solving skills for
couples:
1) Identify the problem.
Make sure you are both
working on the same problem.
If this is an ongoing
problem, or one you have
tried to solve before and
failed, make sure you
discard any solutions you
know won't work.
2) Identify the outcome
you'd like to achieve. Is it
fair and reasonable? Make
sure it is not to avoid or
deny problems. Solving
problems together makes you
stronger, so don't avoid
them.
3) Brainstorm on how to get
from here to there. What
needs to happen today? Who
is going to do what? When?
What outside help or
information do you need?
4) After this problem is
solved, set things up so
that you won't have to deal
with it again. We'll always
have problems to solve, but
there's no sense in solving
the same one over and over.
However you choose to solve
problems, it's not just the
two of you who are affected.
You are also setting an
example for your kids how to
solve problems.
If two people work well
together using their
respective talents and gifts
and committed to solving a
problem, that problem is in
big trouble.
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